I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize