i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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