She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
