So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
two words: eviction party
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
