I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
