I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
