On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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