i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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