If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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