my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
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