He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I wish you could order shots online.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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