He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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