TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
