The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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