Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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