how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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