cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
PANTIES FOUND
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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