cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
