the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
