Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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