That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize