I puked a lego.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
