my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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