New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
