I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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