It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
