I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
