This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Randomize