i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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