i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
nutella sex= disaster
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
