Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
