The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
The beer is more important than you right now.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
