Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
where are you?
Hypothermia
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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