As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
