you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
