how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
