I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
