You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
