After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
