and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
