I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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