Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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