Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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