He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
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