we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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