Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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