then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
