first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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