i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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