If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
