Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
