a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
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