why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
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