dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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