I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
