Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
