then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
