I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
