Will you blow on my dice?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
