My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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