remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
