She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Randomize
