plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
